My Mop! Um ... I Mean Jacket.

I found my favorite jacket again today. That's right, the one that's been missing for several months. I went to work, and went to the break room to remove my sweater. I hung in on the coat rack, and saw a black jacket hanging. Getting suspicious, I checked it, and sure enough, it was a black Dickies jacket with a Five Iron Frenzy patch. Woohoo! I really do feel like Stanley did in UHF when he spotted his mop. What's UHF? Are you crazy?! It's that movie made by Weird Al several years ago...You've never seen it? You really should go find it. It's GREAT!

So, as you must have gathered, I worked again today. Tara was awesome and let me off early so I could go to Redding with Katie and crew, and not make everyone leave too late. I got home, and Katie had a bad feeling about me coming. So we all prayed. I only got confused, but everyone else heard that I shouldn't go. Katie heard one reason why: I could go and get blessed in Redding, or stay here and be more blessed. Andrew stayed home for the same reason. God had reminded him of Corinthians 6:12 (Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial). So, I decided to stay home. The girls all stated that I was handling things rather well (I mean, I really wanted to go). I reminded them I've just had a really solid lesson in doing what God wants even when it's not what I want. Of course, soon after they left all the other crap started. But it only lasted a short while.

After a bit, I went and got Andrew. We dropped Elizabeth (his young sister) off at their mother's workplace. Then we visited Malibu Brew, my first visit since it opened. We got to talk with Tricia for awhile, which was a lot of fun. As soon as we had entered, the rain had gotten really bad. As soon as we prepared to leave, the rain became (relatively) light. Nice!

We then hung out at my house until about 1 am. We just talked, ate food, played video games (lots of Star Wars: Battlefront), etc. Then I took Andrew home (in the super-heavy rain). We had fun commanding traffic lights to change. When we were specific on the timing, they obeyed. It's amazing the extent of the authority Christ gives us.

And please be praying for me. Emotions can be rather annoying sometimes. Those of you who know the situation, you know what to pray. Those of you who don't, God knows what's needed. Thanks as always!

More Stuff

Tuesday night, Andrew, Chris, Sarah, Julieanne, Katie, Stephanie, and myself all saw "A Series of Unfortunate Events." It was fun, though the girls arrived late, much of the candy (and a drink) spilt on the floor, and you had to hear regular comments from Andrew, Chris, and I like "VFD isn't mentioned until the 4th or 5th book!" Yeah.

Guys and girls went back to my house separately. We beat the girls by enough that Andrew and I, then Chris and I, were able to wardance. Fun times. After that, we hung out late again. Then I went to bed.

Hanging out began later on Wednesday, but it did commence eventually. We ended up having another drunken Holy Spirit party in my room, but this one only went until 1 am. Charese came and visited, and totally surprised Krisann (who had come over so we could finish figuring out who owned what). We played Clue, terrorized Target, and worshipped. During our little party, I got to wardance a little more. And worship. Then go to bed. Of course, the chronology is all wrong in this last paragraph, but you get the idea.

I may be going up to Redding today for New Years. Exciting times!

And in other news, I'm really disturbed. At myself. There's this whole Tsunami thing, with some insane number of people dead, and I'm unable to feel anything about it. I should be deeply grieved, but I'm not. The only reason this whole tragedy is fixed in my mind is because some of my friends care deeply. I want to feel about this, but I can't. I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me...So obviously any insights (prophetic or not) are welcome.

Okay, it's time to go to work. See you all later!

Hmmn, Quite.

H'Okay! So let me start off this post by saying that this isn't actually the Stephen that you have come to know and throw shrimp at. This is his slightly lesser known and less shrimp tossin' friend Chris. But let's not get technical, eh? H'anyway, when I was asked to do a guest post on Stephens very humble and un-flatulent blogg, I really had no choice but to accept, seeing as how I was held at gun point. Except, not really. So feel free to comment upon my blogg(if you should happen to find it) or this most respectable blogg that you are reading now (well, hopefully you're reading this. You may not be reading this, but then, how could you be aware of this, if you aren't reading it? I think I am setting myself up for a paradox..... where was I? H'Oh yeah! I was saying that you might comment on this~~~Wait! I didn't end this paranthesis. Well, I must take care of this.....,.....,...uummm...almoooost...) Hah! There!!! I got it! Um, yes well, I guess that takes up all the time I have in this... dimension? Or Blogg? So if I left you all on a ridiculous cliffhanger as to how I was going to end, you must realize I am terribly sorry. Almost Finally, I would like to give a shout-out "to all those really cool people that like to say 'good times' and 'woot woot' welcome to the cool people of the WORLD!!! mwuahahahahahah" Whoa! sorry, that wasn't me. That was Katie, so it seems that there was a "guest phrase" in a "guest post." I was really going to say, A shout-out to AJ, Jessica, Rae, and many other Fullerton people whose names I can't remember. Remember that you Rock Rock On! That being said, I must discontinue this entire post!! Or just end it all...

~well, Au Revoir!

I Suppose I Should Put In a Title...

Today was a fun day. I slept in until 12:30, then laid in bed for another half-hour. I played Chrono Cross for a bit before getting cleaned up, then did that. Played more Chrono Cross while eating some leftovers. Then I helped clean up downstairs.

After that, I took installed Julieanne's wireless network adapter. That's right, you could very well run into Sarah, Julieanne, and I on your fave IM program, all simultaneously. Mwahaha!!

Of course, that took longer than expected (silly settings in the BIOS, then the win98se install CD was stupid. Grr). After that, I took Andrew and Chris to Best Buy. Andrew bought Napoleon Dynamite (Ugh, I still have to return that rented copy). On our way back, Katie beat us to my house.

On our return, we proceeded to hang out. During this time, I did something rather unexpected *evil grin*. There was also watching of ND, playing of DDR, me finding a better way to cheat on "The Invisible Cursor Game," and plenty of "Star Wars: Battlefront." So much fun. And....much of it will be repeated tomorrow. Yah!

Oh, and then that whole blog reading, blog posting, email checking, email writing bit. Almost done with that. Then, I shall go to bed. I think.

EDIT: Or not. I was just checking my Trillian account, and finishing my game of Spider solitaire when I realized I had more to say.

Andrew and Sarah were abusing my Trillian account yesterday. So, if you added me wit the intention of adding me, then I may have deleted you. Add me again, or message you so I can add you, or whatever.

And, the band Roper rocks! I have become obsessed with "Red Eye to Miami." Despite all odds (I mean, it was written by Reese Roper), it seems to actually be just a fun song. No hidden meanings or anything. Well, they could be there, but usually Reese is a bit more up-front or he provides a hint or something. I also noticed that Frank Lenz was a guest drummer for this album. Lucky Reese. You see, Reese is a big Mortal/FoldZan fan (as am I). Mr Lenz was their drummer for some span of time (it's hard to get good info on them). And now Mr. Lenz drummed for Reese. Dang. (Yes Katie, my fandom of Mortal is over into the obsessive range, that I would recognize that name instantly. And I've begun the process of making Andrew and Chris fans as well. Mwahaha!).

"The first one dead gets his body plundered.
They hit the beach at 0600.
Savin' the world while the world's asleep.
Get your American flags while they're still cheap."

I Love Metaphor

Follow the link, then read:

Adrenaline is flowing, your nervous fingers lightly drumming,
Cords click into silver jacks, you flick the switch, the tubes are humming.
The lights go down, the sweat is beading,
muscles tense, your heart is speeding.
It's so loud it feel like heaven,
crank these amps up to eleven.

All our lives, we've kept the meaning hidden deep inside.
All our lives were somehow made for this: to amplify.
We dream, we cry to amplify.
We live, we die to amplify.

Feedback speaks of caliber, the wires wrapping round.
We fall beneath these walls of unimpended sound.
And here alas, the final notes, this song has sung its course.
Everything that we have saved we'll scream until we're hoarse.

All our lives, we've kept the meaning hidden deep inside.
All our lives were somehow made for this: to amplify.
We dream, we cry to amplify.
We live, we die to amplify.

We were born to amplify.
We were born to amplify.
Scales drop from once blind eyes, we turn and glorify.

We dream, we cry to amplify.
We live, we die to amplify.


This song was brought to you by Roper.

An Update of Stuff

So, my plan to freak everyone out was even less effective than Katie's "I'm in love" one. Sheesh. Everyone seems to be distant enough to not be concerned, or close enough to know what I really meant. Or nobody is reading blogs around Christmas time.

So, yeah. I was drunk in the Holy Spirit, not on alcohol. It's terribly fun. It's happened multiple times since them, and I continue to enjoy it.

I had plenty of time with my family today. Lots of gift exchanging, hanging out with my sisters and rocking out to "Roper," messing with the wireless network with my uncle, etc.

At my Grandfather's, I was checking out his swords. They're some kind of Japanese style, but I don't know which. I would describe them as katanas with straight blades. They're the same length as my wardance katanas, the balance feels the same, and the other details I've observed match, except the wardance ones have the somewhat curved blade so typical of Japanese swords, and don't have any real weight. Fun observations.

I'm looking forward to Andrew, Chris, and Katie all returning to the Paso area. I miss them all. It sucks that Katie doesn't live here. We have to give her back after just a few days ;-) Ah well.

I think that's all for now. Adieu.

There's a Pretty Moon Outside, Have You Gone and Looked At It?

Yes, I forgot to mention how I helped remove a demonic talon from Katie's ribs. I'd tell all about it, but it's all over at her Xanga. One thing though, I didn't actually feel her pain. My chest just felt strange where I had "seen" the talon in her chest, and before I was paying attention to what I was doing, I was pressing firmly on the spot, as if to stop blood flow (ah, direct pressure). When I noticed what I was doing, I discerned that I was "standing-in" for Katie. I then called Andrew over to pray and lay on hands. Shortly after, Katie was all better. Yah!

In other news: Katie visited Wednesday. She left Thursday, but will be back Monday. She talked me into getting drunk. It was quite fun, and I'm rather hung over right now.

Soo...as always, internet access is much more inconvenient at home. Sure, all I have to do is use the family computer, but I like mine better. And we have a wireless network at home for the new cable-modem, but I have no wireless card. So, if I want to use my laptop on the internet, I have to plug in and stand in front of the TV.

A bunch of stuff has happened since I last posted. Let me list:

* God pours peace into me. The situation in my last post is resolved on my end (and it was always problematic on my end only).

* I go home. It takes 5 hours to drive 235 miles (that's what happens when I go through LA during the afternoon)

* An angel saves me from a car accident on the way home.

* Movie night at PRCC. I hang out with my sisters, Andrew, and Chris. We watch Elf. Then, for the first time, I actually speak with Katie (instead of blog comments, email, or IM).

* We decide to confirm if In-N-Out applications have a section where they ask about your religious background. We can officially deny that rumor.

* We hang out at In-N-Out for awhile. During that time, we talk with Katie. She prays for us to get drunk in the Holy Spirit. It works.

* TAG: Worshipping; dancing; wardancing; getting fire poured on me; etc.

* Arriving late to church. Dangit!

* Breakfast!! Literally.

* Jody Landon: Your cheeks look thinner. Have you been sick?
Me: No, I was fasting for a week.
Jody: You can't do that! You can't afford to lose any weight!
(Jody is like the every youth's adopted mom. And I explained to her that even if I had ruined my health, the fast was worth it).

* Clearing off my computer. When I had backed up, deleted, and uninstalled everything, there were 15 GB of stuff on my hard drive. When I restored it to factory settings, it only took 5 GB (then I deleted some stuff and installed and restored everything I want).

* Opening a Christmas gift from Paul Klassen. He got me "Roper: Brace Yourself for the Mediocre." Thank you Paul!

* Work. I'm scheduled OS, and end up covering OE for a while. But that's what happens when you can work every department. And the sheer business made work go by quickly.

* Gerry (at work): You look like you've lost weight.
Me: That's what happens.
Gerry: When you get sick?
Me: When you fast for a week.
Gerry: Oh.

* Gerry (when we're both on simultaneous breaks): My head feels funny today. My brain feels funny, like when I was on drugs [this was years ago, before God rescued her].
Me: *Checks that break room is empty of other co-workers* Do you want me to pray for you?
Gerry: Would you?
In the end, I had a cool prophesy for Gerry, she was better, and my non-Christian coworker Caroline saw the last bit. I consider that a (slightly) open door for future conversations.

* Long conversation with Sarah. We pray with each other, worship together, and wardance together. She acquires her second weapon (she already possesses the "Word of God" sword).

* An attempt at sleep. But it takes a long time coming.

* More work. Copy Center is less busy that I would expect. I find that I've lost my ability to field six customers at once. Fortunately Wes is scheduled for a mid-shift (since when do we have those?), and he possesses this skill.

* Blog update. Let me know if I should provide more detail on anything.

Edit: I can't believe I forgot, even for only two seconds! Katie's coming to visit us all tomorrow. I'm super-crazy-excited. Oh, and I just spell checked. It was, as always, good that I did.

It Sure Isn't Easy

Just when I think I'm good, that everything is settled with me, I read Krisann's Blog.

Notice the mention of Aaron. Who's Aaron? Imagine the hardest possible news for me a few weeks ago. Then take a lucky guess. Yep.

Now, awhile back, I text messaged her offering to have him room with me if he wanted. However, there is a difference between being open to the possibility of something, and realizing that this something is about to become a reality (in this case, meeting him, and seeing him around her).

But God is good, and it's the tough times that he uses to really grow us. And this will be tough. Not just because of all the normal stuff, but because I'm convinced I have to be extra mature about this, to set a good example. I don't trust my parents, or much of the old "PRCC crowd" to respond appropriately. I trust the Vineyard and TAG people more, but I'm not sure that very many of them even know the full situation. So, prayer please.

And as a side note, the offer for him to stay with me would still be open, but I'll be gone most of the time they're here. And I wouldn't trust my parents in that situation.

Three Down, One to Go

So, I've finished all but one final. Whooooo!!

And my cell phone works!!! Apparently, it was because of the Cingular/AT&T merger. All I had to do was turn my phone off and then on again. Grrr...Computer science student foiled by a simple reboot.

And I've been feeling a LOT of peace lately. I've been praying for it to be infectious. Like to Katie today when I was praying for her. I was praying for a "peace transfusion" (I just thought of the phrase right now. Get it, like a blood transfusion?). God is good.

I had something else to say....but I'm forgetting now...

This isn't it, but I visited a fun church tonight. They had a big prayer meeting. It was a bit like going home. For a while, I couldn't move. My limbs were paralyzed, holding me in a strange stance. It was so fun. I walked into the building, and I just felt the presence of God. Yah!

...ummm...Oh yeah! I was praying for my friends who are studying like crazy. I was asking God to guide them in what to study (you know only a fraction of all that material ends up on the test). Well, Jessica was studying. And there was so much to study. But God started telling her exactly what segments to connect for any essay. He told her exactly where to go in her books and everything. Yah God!

I think that's all for now. Until next time.

A Vision

This morning, I woke up early. Feeling the need, I went and used the bathroom, then went back to bed. But I couldn't fall back asleep, because my right knee was hurting. After a bit, I remembered that that's a signal from God to pray about something (cause it reminds me of kneeling, which reminds me of praying; God know the ways my mind works, and communicates accordingly).

So I started praying, not knowing what for. After a moment, I had a vision. I saw a young woman (a Christian) being tormented by a demon. It was buzzing around her (rather rapidly), and she couldn't make it go away. It was a lust demon. So I started praying for protection. There was no change, and I felt I was to do more. So I started praying against the demon. Then I started trying to cast out the demon. IT mocked me in return. God told me to wait, and speak HIS words (not the routine words I was used to). So I waited. I could hardly bear to, watching this girl be tormented. But I did. Then I had the words to speak (which I now forget). So I did. Nothing seemed to happen, and the demon just laughed again. But then suddenly I was in the vision, hold my sword (the word of the Lord). I swatted the demon, stepped on its neck, and threatened it greatly. It submitted and left. The end.

Oh, this happened sometime between 8 and 9 this morning...

Quizes . . . of doom!

Several of us created quizes last night (just before we created the chat room of randomness!). Try them out. Trust me, actually knowing us doesn't really improve your chances (I think).

Edit: I added Sarah's. Take her's too!
Another Edit: Keri's!

Mine
Katie's
Drew's
Sarah's
Keri's

Really, you should! It's fun!

I'm That Person You Hate

At least, during finals week. I've had so much free time the past yesterday and today. Why? Because I've no studying to do. All homework is done, no work during finals week. Yep, relax time.

Yeah, I know you read that statement about no studying like, three times, and are very confused right now. I refer you to my title. Yes, I am the one you hate, that person who never studies. In the classes I like, I already know everything I need to be prepared. In the classes I hate, much the same (but for different reasons, and prepared is occasionally a bit different between the two).

Mwahaha!! Of course, that just means more time in which God has me interceding for you on your finals. If that turns out to be like recent forms of intercession, it'll be interesting. Recently, when I intercede for an individual, I'll often speak words that the "receiver" should speak. It's kinda weird. I can imagine what that'll look like if I intercede for people's finals...

'Tis the Season to be Cynical

But not this year. I'm sure most people who know me are aware I turn very cynical around Christmas. I think some of my justification are valid, but not all. In any case, it doesn't seem to be happening this year. Yah!

I'm enjoying the Christmas hymns at church, and the holiday music at work hasn't driven me insane, and I'm looking forward to putting lights on the tree in our front yard later this week.

However, if anyone dares sing "Deck the Halls" around me, their life may yet be in danger...

Oh, and a bunch of friends here and I had an awesome gift exchange. It seems everyone really loved their gift. It was sweet! So much fun to give stuff to each other.

A Boring Update for a Boring Day

Lately, I haven't been missing Krisann too much, or dwelling on her, or anything. But last night/this morning, I had a dream about her (or at least involving her). So I woke up and was missing her all over again.

Then I looked at my watch. It was 10 minutes till I had to be at work. Now, today was our Grand Re-Opening Event. So I had to be immaculate. And those of you who know me better know I take looong showers. Not a good combo. So, I was late to work, and I had no chance to write down my dream (I'm used to doing that, just in case they're prophetic in nature). And thus, I've forgotten the dream.

And in the end, it turned out to be a good thing I was late to work. My replacement for Copy Center (with whom I had originally switched shifts) called in. So I ended up working extra, then more while they got someone to cover. If I hadn't been late, I would have gotten overtime (and thus broken the 11th commandment). The worst part was that it was deathly quiet in the Copy Center today. Everything else was busy, but not my department. Thus, boredom. Lots of it.

All in all, not an exciting day. Except I'm missing Krisann a bunch again. And it appears my phone is not working (the transfer between accounts must be in progress). Sorry for this boring update.

Quotes

From George MacDonald -- The Complete Fairy Tales:

"This made it all the more likely that he had seen a true vision; for instead of of making common things look commonplace, as a false vision would have done, it had made common things disclose the wonderful that was in them.
'The same applies to all art as well,' thought Ralph" (page 64)

"...It were no offence to suppose a world in which everything repelled instead of attracting the things around it; it would be wicked to write a tale representing a man it called good as always do bad things, or a man it called bad as always doing good things ... In physical things a man may invent; in moral things he must obey -- and take their laws with him into his invented world as well." (page 7)

"A genuine work of art may must mean many things; the truer its art, the more things it will mean. If my drawing, on the other hand, is so far from being a work of art that it needs THIS IS A HORSE written under it, what can it matter that neither you nor your child should know what it means? It is not so much to convey a meaning as to wake a meaning." (page 7)

"For my part, I do not write for children, but for the childlike, whether of five, or fifty, or seventy-five." (page 7)

"The best thing you can do for your fellow, next to rousing his conscience, is -- not to give him things to think about, but to wake up things that are in him" (page 9)

"One difference between God's work and man's is, that, while God's work cannot mean more than he meant, man's must mean more than he meant ... A man may well discover truth in what he wrote; for he was dealing all the time with things that come from thoughts beyond his own." (page 9)

"The best way with music, I imagine, is not to bring the forces of our intellect to bear upon it, but to be still and let it work on that part of us for whose sake it exists. We spoil countless things by intellectual greed." (page 10)

"...for many things we never could believe, have only to happen, and then there is nothing strange about them." (page 104)


From The Silmarillion:

"Here ends the SILMARILLION. If it has passed from the high and the beautiful to darkness and ruin, that was of old the fate of Arda Marred; and if any change shall come and the Marring be amended, Manwe and Varda may know; but they have not revealed it, and it is not declared in the dooms of Mandos." (page 316 [how beautifully ironic])

Jericho, dreams, and AIM. Which of these is not like the others?

Okay, so I was thinking about Jericho the other day, and I saw how it related to a vision someone described at TAG awhile back (and you've probably seen me talk about it before).

She saw the Army of the Lord. In the front were dancers (worshippers). She thought, "That's crazy! They'll be killed!" Then she noticed they were closest to Jesus (the Commander-in-Chief). Worship gets you touching his heart, and puts you in line with him. Then she saw the dancers in battle. They trampled the enemy, and were untouchable.

Next were the intercessors. They prepared the ground. Third (and final) came the warriors, the ones who did the "actual work." Their work was easy, because of the work of the dancers and intercessors.

Side note: this vision was cool for me, because I wanted part of all three roles. Shortly after that was the beginning of wardance, which often incorporates all three.


Anyways, I thought of Jericho, and I realized that the Israelite conquest followed this plan. For seven days, the Israelites followed the Ark of the Covenant around the city (silently worshipping and interceding). The last day, the did this seven times. Then, the priests blew their trumpets (final intercession). The people joined in this. THEN the walls fell, and the warriors were able to get to work. This has been a biblical pattern since forever!


And about my dream. It's really the second part of a multi-part dream. I'm not allowed to really share it yet. And I don't have the interpretation. But it's critical. The time isn't quite yet for it to all be revealed, but when it is, this will be vastly important! I can say that the dream involved a lot of death. In fact, the repeated graphic deaths made me ill, which is what woke me up. So, please be "praying out" the completion and interpretation of these dreams. They aren't pleasant, and I kind of dread them. But, I (and possibly the church at large) need to know.

Oh, and my AIM screenname is Idhrendur. Bet you had trouble seeing that one coming.

My friend Jessica is taking Earth History. They told her cows evolved into whales. So she followed in the fotsteps of the creators of the ape-to-man pictures. She gathered all the available eveidence, and thus armed, illustrated. Yep, that's what we call evidence for evolution. You can now consider the cows-to-whales thing proved. 

The answer comes so quickly

Already, God reveals part of what he does. Through this, he draws me even closer to him. I ask him to make me one to heal to wounded, to restore the broken. I know one of my anointings is intercession. Thus, to aid the broken, I experience brokenness. To aid the crushed, I am crushed. It's not pleasant. But it's worth it. Can you guys pray that I will never turn from this duty, from this honor that is mine? Thank you.

IM returns!

In other news, I've begun to restore my IM usage. Feel free to add me to your lists. Here are my contacts:

ICQ - 31572424
MSN - idhrendur@hotmail.com
Yahoo - Idhrendur

I can't seem to connect to AIM, I'm not entirely sure which username I used. Does anyone still have me on their lists or remember?

More updates

So, the past few days, I've been better, back to normal you might say. There's a couple things I've wanted to post here, but I haven't yet (and a not doing right now). I need to tell you all about my insights on Jericho, and about my dream (oooh, foreshadowing). But I have other stuff right now.

The past couple of days, I didn't even notice, but I started receiving word curses regarding a stated goal of mine. They came in the form of normal earthy wisdom (and so I just ignored them). But now I've had a (probably totally misleading and misinterpreted) confirming personal experience. And thus, I'm suddenly aware again that I'm under spiritual assault (I don't think it ever stopped, but it was certainly less successful). Please be praying for me, that God would guide my vision, that I wouldn't see what the world has to say. Also that these word curses would be broken. Thank you all!

Tolkien

Tolkien is such a good writer. I've been rereading The Silmarillion and last night I got through both "Of Beren and Luthien" and "Of Turin Turambar." Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh! The storytelling is so good! "Of Beren and Luthien" is probably the best/coolest love story I've ever read, and "Of Turin Turambar" is probably the best tragedy (in that tragic kind of way). If you've never read these, you should go find a copy of The Silmarillion and start reading. I'd recommend skipping straight to those stories, but you need the background of the rest of the book to understand. Just remember to take your time. One tale at a time, because reading straight through this book can be overwhelming.

As a fun game, try to catch as man folk tale/mythology/other references in Tolkien's stuff. I caught two in "Of Beren and Luthien" (one is really really easy).

In other news: Yesterday I was walking back from class/bible study/prayer meeting. At the crosswalk, I saw Rae. She had her headphones on. She immediately said, "The monkey and the donkey are the antichrist."

I responded, "The monkey and the who?"

"The donkey."

I almost asked her what she was talking about, and then I remembered. She's listening to the Chronicles of Narnia on tape. So, I know where she is, and now I'm inspired to reread those. Sheesh, so much reading to do. Good thing I'm fast at it (and God, I ask again that impart that blessing to Jessica. Speed up her reading. Amen). Have a good day, everyone!

Stuff Happens!

So, after making the last post, but before I could finish reading everyone else's blogs, Jessica stopped by my room. AJ was at a choir concert in Long Beach, and had thrown up. He needed a ride back, so we went off to the rescue. We prayed almost the entire way (about all kinds of stuff: AJ, revival, the apathy at Hope, a spirit of poverty over the Campus Crusade folk, etc). Half an hour later, we arrived to pick him up. I drove his car back, following Jessica in her car (she had AJ). We got confused for finding the 91 again, so we stopped by a McDonald's to ask directions. As we did so, a bum walked in to order some coffee. Jessica and I stood off to the side (out of sight) and asked God what to do. (I know, I know, DUH!) So we went up to him, introduced ourselves, and offered to buy him some food. He accepted, and we got him some stuff. We talked to him for a minute and asked if we could pray for him. He let us, and we also gave him a few dollars (though I now wish I had given him everything in my wallet. Damned spirit of poverty, holding me back!). We didn't get to stay and talk to him, cause we had to get AJ back.

We got AJ into the dorm room, then went to In-N-Out, cause I was hungry (no dinner yet). Jessica and I ended up talking for awhile. It was good. Yah good times!

Broken

The cycle, that is. If things followed their usual pattern, today, I would have been depressed. Not so. I wasn't exactly energetically happy, but I was spending a lot of time with God, and the cycle was broken (well, I do have a few hours more to go, but I think I'm good). Thanks to everyone who's been praying for me (please don't stop quite yet).

God is so good. I'm really glad to be getting closer to him through all this. If I suffered for the rest of my life, it would be worth it just to be able to draw nearer to him. He is so good!

Slightly delayed update

I had wanted to make this post last night, but I got distracted: first by friends, then by video games, then by a book, then by sleep. So, I make it now.

Yesterday was really good. I finally started doing some smart things. You know that whole imagination thing? God gave it to us for a reason, and it's extremely powerful. For example, if I were to imagine some scenario where Krisann and I get back together and end up happily married, I'm more inclined to be hopeful. If I instead imagine that she marries someone else and is happy, but that I'm miserable for the rest of my life, then I'm suddenly rather inclined towards depression, bitterness, and jealousy.

Both of those imaginings I have indulged over the past week. Yesterday, I stopped doing that second one. Whenever it, or any kind of despair came up, I did two things. First, I imagined Krisann marrying someone else. I imagined myself at the wedding, happy for her, praising God for ending our relationship, and even capable of prophesying over them. I know this was a outcome I less preferred than any of the "Krisann and I get back together ones," but it's a good one too, and a whole lot better than the "misery" one. Second, I would start talking to God. I was practicing experiencing his presence a whole bunch. That was the best part.

I'm going to do the same today, but I think it will be a bit more of a fight today. Please be praying for me, because I am more than ready to move on from all this crap, and be healthily close to God.

How to keep titling these?

So yesterday, after I finished typing that last post, I went to dinner, then to the prayer walk. Jessica and I were the only ones there (well, the only humans there). IT was very awesome. She let me vent at her, and said a few things, and totally helped. In the midst of prayer I realized my problem yesterday, that during class I stopped looking to God, and was focused on the boredom, and trying to find solutions to that. If you take your eyes off God, everything goes bad. And I got myself into those thought patterns, even though I knew I wasn't thinking about what was true or good. Fortunately, God continually redeems us. So again, I'm shooting for that whole pattern being broken. I'm not going back to all that crap. I'll probably still hurt for awhile, but there's no reason to submit to the attacks of the enemy. Phew.

And so it continues...

I just realized that my blog is probably a distorted picture of how I've been doing. Only a bit though. It just happens that my emotional extremes get captured on here, not my normal in-between state.

So, I had noticed a pattern in my emotions: every day I switched between being happy or depressed. SO last night, I decided that today would break the pattern. I made it through most of the day, too. At times it was a struggle, but I would just praise God, and it helped a ton. But being in different classes for over 4 hours straight is not helpful. I made it through all but the last half-hour fine. Then things started sliding. I'll be better in a few minutes, but I want to just capture and express my thoughts (so they're exposed, either good or bad).

I realized why some stuff has only been affecting me lately. When Krisann and I decided to take a break, we thought that it would probably be a month or so. It was hard, but finite in span. I figured we would discuss at the end of the month, and everything would be back to normal. When we broke up four days later, I was miserable, but I still ended up running on the assumption we would end up back together, things were just on a more distant hold. But lately, I've started realizing that we might not ever get back together. And that is devastating. The times I'm doing better are when I believe more that we will be back together. The times I do worse is when I believe we probably won't. And God has given me no assurance either way. In fact, he instructed me not to ask, and just told me to "not assume anything." Which means my current emotional yo-yo is not achieving what it needs to.

I also realized part of the problem. I don't want to give up on things. I feel that if I accept that we might not get together again (instead of just fearing it), then I've betrayed everything our relationship was. I feel that if I give up, even now, then my primary focus for two-and-a-half years was a waste of time and emotional commitment. And I just can't accept any of that. But that means I'm stuck fearing it instead. And I would rather fear and suffer than take that step (I don't know if that's good or bad, really).

And I'm jealous of Krisann. One of the few times we talked since we broke up, she was doing well. Apparently God granted her instant emotional healing. And I suffer. She has new happinesses, I have nothing. And if she does suffer, she has spiritual resources at school. I appreciate all my friends at school, but even those that do prophesy mostly operate out of human wisdom to comfort and help me. Even with prophesy over me (like back home), hardly anything actually connects to this. I feel adrift. I know God is near me, and he is a great comfort, but nothing is let loose to be a resolution to this. How long must I suffer under this? Weeks? Months? Years? I don't have time for any of this! I don't have time for the situation, or for the emotional crap. Awhile back, God told me I would die a martyr. I don't mind, in fact, I kinda look forward to it. But I've recently become more and more convinced it will be before I hit 50. And I want to have a wife and kids. It seems if it doesn't happen soon, I won't have time.

And that continues my jealousy. Won't I get to experience these joys? All around me people are getting to, but while the promises of such things are before me, they get suddenly, surprisingly, unexpectedly stripped away. And all I can wonder is why. Why didn't God reveal these issues in our relationship sooner? Why did he let things go so long or so far if he didn't intend for us to be together? And if he did, why this way of dealing with the issues? Even if Krisann called me two minutes from now, convinced that we're to get back together, I don't believe it would be time yet. And I feel I have no time left. I'm sure that when I graduate, I'm going to start my full-time ministry (whatever it is) full-speed, and won't have time for a non-marriage relationship. I' sure I'll be traveling a bunch. How can I build a relationship under those circumstances. So, if God intends for me to be celibate, why does he place these desires in me?!?

SO finally I hit the point where I can only cry out to God, "Why!?!" He holds and comforts me, but the question remains unanswered, and so I'll probably be back to this point again.

But I saw a better picture of myself today. I remembered in Cool Hand Luke where Luke was in a fight. And he kept getting knocked down. And he kept getting back up. If he just gave up, he wouldn't be hit anymore. But finally, the other guy just couldn't bear to hit him anymore. Luke one, though he never got in a good hit. Like Luke, I just have to get up one more time than the enemy knocks me down, and I win. Sigh. Still, it hurts, and it' so hard to keep going. I'm off to dinner now. Keep praying for me, everyone.

Going up on the emotional roller coaster

I've really come to appreciate this Blog. Even if there is nobody reading all my stuff and praying for me and encouraging me (and I know there are people doing that), just writing out stuff is really good for me.

So, today I was walking to Campus Crusade. I was thinking about EJ Week (Christmas Conference), and what it'll be like to go. A couple weeks ago, I decided I would go, and just trust God with the finances (which is a lot of trust). In any case, I thought about short term missions trips, and I decided that I am definitely going on one this summer. I don't know where, or how, but I'm going. It's kinda funny, because any time in the past I've thought about missions, I've not wanted to. If I thought I would, it was out of a sense of duty, or curiosity (maybe it won't be so bad). But this time, I desire to go. In fact, I burn with the desire to do so. The very idea is exhilarating.

Also, I was still sad this morning, even with this (though better that yesterday). I was at Campus Crusade, and Brent was talking, and Jessica started praying for me (I didn't know until later). So now I'm better (I found out when she asked how I was. I said better, so she asked if I had been sad. I said yes, and she nodded in understanding. Then I made her explain why she asked).

Campus Crusade is going to be exciting next semester. We're going to completely change how we do things. We kinda noticed the table and the surveys and t-shirts don't cut it for evangelism. It's too much of a "project," and not real. So we're going to form small teams to be missionaries to different clubs. And we're gonna just build relationships. We don't know exactly how it will look, but it seems so right to me. This is exactly how I want to function.

Ugh, I have a bunch of homework due tomorrow, and I have to go to work real soon. Talk to you all later!