Well, yet again I'm using the old blog to say all the things I'm incapable of speaking, yet need to say to my friends. Thus, anybody who happens by can can learn of all my hurts. Yay...
Tonight really demonstrated both my own social awkwardness and how I still don't feel like I fit in with my current friends. I was at a New Year's party, and while I was having fun, the feelings of awkwardness built up enough that I had to bow out and leave shortly after midnight.
I hate this. It's not like leaving makes things better, either. I just get upset and depressed over the fact that I had to leave. And I honestly can't think of a party where I haven't done this exact thing... at least not one in the past year or so.
I guess I really don't feel like I'm a part of the different groups I'm with. Almost assuredly, the other members of these groups would disagree (a great many people seemed glad I was at the party tonight, for instance), but I can't seem to help feeling that way.
And so I sit here typing a depressing blog post, listening to Mortal's song Cryptic again and again, screaming along silently:
I would die for
Peace, peace, peace
Hope, hope, hope
Love, love, love
Jesus Christ
Please, my friends, by praying for me, even when I seem to be doing better. Whatever this all stems from, it's something deep-rooted in my soul, and it's plagues me for my whole life. I'd like to be done with it, but I don't know what I can do about it. And if you know practical steps you can take to help me lay these issues to rest, by all means, take them.
Thank you, my friends.
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4 comments:
Stephen, I'm praying for you. I love you and care about you brother. i know that you will get through this, the Lord will guide you. Bless you brother!
Thank for being open about this. I have experienced similar feelings in my life. I will be praying for you.
Well, sadly, Stephen I have been through all this and have story after story of the same stuff. The difficult truth I have come to and the hardest thing to do is: you have to walk through it. You have to stand. You have to keep walking through the pain and not let it rob you. One day you have to say, I'm going to stay here to the end, even though I feel like crap. And just keep doing it over and over. Each time some small ground will be taken and more truth will come in and you'll get stronger. It's a fight...you're fighting for the truth. The enemy wants to tell you that you're second rate..but it's not true..and deep down you know it..that you are so totally accepted & loved completely by God..and each little step you take to hold onto that truth for dear life will set you free. Even if it's fuzzy truth, that's enough to hold onto - 'cause it will get more clear as you hold on. I remember one day sitting there after leaving (or fleeing) early as you did and realizing..next time I have to make a choice. Next time I don't want to see the "I've been robbed" scenario and next time I will chose to see how it plays out.
That's about all I can say for now without rambling. But take it from someone who has had to fight their way out..there is a way. And still the enemy will keep trying to kick me down 'cause that's my weakness..but God gives me the truth in the midst of it all, even if I have to wait to hear it 'cause I'm so freaked out. So that is my prayer..that you will open your heart and your ears and hang on for dear life to his truth and that you will walk through this personal storm or darkness...'cause he really is with you.
He'll see you through this!
Love, Laurel
Stephen!
Ya know, Jess and I had dinner the other night (after a long semester of not seeing anyone) and we both remarked at how there is never a complication of not seeing you. If that didn't make any sense: Most of the time person A feels guilty for not seeing person B in a long time, or person B makes it obvious of their offense that person A didn't contact them. It's nice when both person A and person B have an understanding of the little time we have in life and never holds a grudge for time lost with those people, yet when they do talk/hang out it's like no time had passed at all.
Interestingly enough, I have become more introverted since living with the community, I rarely go to gatherings and when I do I leave between the hours of 5 and 9 (depending on when it started).
The difference between now and when I was introverted and lonely in high school is that now I don't feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't talk a lot (around people I don't know really super well) or I don't hang out until the wee hours of the morning.
I do what I can and then I go. It is still hard sometimes when it's obvious the other person in my party is having a good time and I'd like to leave or when things just get going as I'm leaving. I don't feel that being around a dozen people at a time is really quality time. I would rather spend time with individuals and have the occasional gathering for a specific event.
It's hard being a social introvert, but just know that there is nothing wrong with you and no one thinks less because of it.
God bless, I'll be praying for you!
P.S. mentioning get-togethers, once I get the new apartment in order (boxes everywhere ahhhh!) I want to have some people over. Also, gaming is going to be a frequent event on Fridays at my place, you're always welcome!
(real gaming, non of that boring whoo-knew or over priced wizard gunk!)
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